Three words: puerto rican gang bang
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
