I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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