somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
