god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
