We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
