oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
