At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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