I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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