There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
