I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
foreskin is a definite game changer
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize