When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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