nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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