Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
