thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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