we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
