I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
two words: eviction party
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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