oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
they're like a gay fantastic four
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
