I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
