My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
