At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
