Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
