well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
