at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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