I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Im part way to drunk.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
