I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
