We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
