I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
