porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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