My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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