How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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