Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
