last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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