I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
