I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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