Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's official drugs can't kill me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
