Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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