It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
