you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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