I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My vagina is officially offended.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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