I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
