When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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