She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
