dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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