last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
