I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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