At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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