and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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