I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
