oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
