some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
