i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
