Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
