Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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